1 00:00:06,300 --> 00:00:09,929 % My dreams are all dead and buried % 2 00:00:11,639 --> 00:00:15,803 % Sometimes l wish the sun would just explode % 3 00:00:16,944 --> 00:00:20,937 % When God comes and calls me to His kingdom % 4 00:00:21,749 --> 00:00:25,480 % l'll take all you sons of bitches when l go % 5 00:00:29,156 --> 00:00:30,589 - My turn. - Hell, no. 6 00:00:30,624 --> 00:00:33,787 - Man, let me drive that thing. Come on! - Do not touch the trim! 7 00:00:38,466 --> 00:00:40,957 Welcome to paradise. 8 00:00:41,001 --> 00:00:45,734 The heavenly strip of nature in the North Georgia mountains. 9 00:00:45,773 --> 00:00:48,799 Until the damned lndians moved in. 10 00:00:49,844 --> 00:00:51,835 Then the settlers... 11 00:00:53,314 --> 00:00:57,273 then that one black family which drove everyone to the suburbs. 12 00:00:58,486 --> 00:01:01,046 Fortunately, it was later gentrified by... 13 00:01:01,088 --> 00:01:06,993 gay fur trappers, who were quickly wiped out by the massive Glogaktafla. 14 00:01:09,163 --> 00:01:13,361 Then the strip mines and rock quarries raped the land... 15 00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:18,428 leaving a crater that was just begging to be used as a nuclear testing site. 16 00:01:21,742 --> 00:01:23,903 Which ultimately cleared the land... 17 00:01:23,944 --> 00:01:27,175 for Captain Kookies Family-Style Fun-Time Pizza Palace... 18 00:01:27,214 --> 00:01:29,944 and Nudist Hog Waste Lagoon Vacation Resort... 19 00:01:29,984 --> 00:01:31,315 for Lesbians Only. 20 00:01:32,353 --> 00:01:34,344 lt didn't last a year. 21 00:01:35,523 --> 00:01:38,686 But now it's become the first investment property... 22 00:01:38,726 --> 00:01:43,857 in the budding portfolio of real-estate mogul, Early Cuyler. 23 00:01:43,898 --> 00:01:45,627 We done made ourselves a deal. 24 00:01:45,666 --> 00:01:48,328 - All right, good! - Where you going? 25 00:01:50,171 --> 00:01:53,004 This is the grandest damn day of my life. 26 00:01:53,040 --> 00:01:54,974 Daddy? What's that smell? 27 00:01:55,009 --> 00:01:58,570 lt's your future, son. Go on now. Breathe it in. 28 00:01:59,480 --> 00:02:01,539 Their future smells like shit. 29 00:02:01,582 --> 00:02:05,450 That's just the reinrichification of the soil being richer richaremarichified. 30 00:02:05,486 --> 00:02:09,513 - Go on, take them damn blinders off. - Oh, my God. 31 00:02:09,557 --> 00:02:11,923 That's right! lt's all Cuyler land! 32 00:02:11,959 --> 00:02:14,723 Yeah! Stretching from Diarrhea Creek over yonder... 33 00:02:14,762 --> 00:02:16,923 right here to this here skeleton. 34 00:02:16,964 --> 00:02:20,024 Big damn deal. You bought a hog farm. 35 00:02:20,067 --> 00:02:23,230 This here is a damn hunting camp for hunters. 36 00:02:23,270 --> 00:02:27,001 lt is the only place in the region where you can stalk and kill, cut, gut... 37 00:02:27,041 --> 00:02:29,100 and dress your own damn ham. 38 00:02:29,143 --> 00:02:30,770 How much did you pay for this? 39 00:02:30,811 --> 00:02:33,575 - $37.50. - What?! 40 00:02:33,614 --> 00:02:37,015 - You got your head up your ass? - Sounds like a lot. How we gonna...? 41 00:02:37,051 --> 00:02:38,109 What are we gonna...? 42 00:02:38,152 --> 00:02:40,484 Calm down now, damn it! l done worked it out. 43 00:02:40,521 --> 00:02:42,648 - But that's a lot of money, ain't it? - Yeah. 44 00:02:42,690 --> 00:02:45,716 lf l had it all gathered together here in a garbage bag... 45 00:02:45,759 --> 00:02:49,786 you'd think l was Travis Tritt a strutting' my fine ass on down to Florida. 46 00:02:49,830 --> 00:02:55,791 But you see, son, usury allows the little man to have that what he desires. 47 00:02:57,705 --> 00:03:01,106 This sumptuous tract of real estate... 48 00:03:01,141 --> 00:03:05,373 fifty luscious acres, currently unzoned for habitation... 49 00:03:05,412 --> 00:03:08,870 features picturesque views of these... 50 00:03:08,916 --> 00:03:11,817 scenic blue tarps. 51 00:03:12,353 --> 00:03:14,947 Can we start the bidding at...25? 52 00:03:14,989 --> 00:03:17,958 - Oh, you bet. - Yes! We have a 25, 25, 25. 53 00:03:17,992 --> 00:03:19,084 - Do we hear a 30? - 30! 54 00:03:19,126 --> 00:03:21,390 A 30. From the only person in the auction. 55 00:03:21,428 --> 00:03:24,056 - Going once, going twice... - 35! 56 00:03:24,098 --> 00:03:25,963 And for some reason we have a 35. 57 00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:28,434 - 36! - You do understand how this... 58 00:03:28,469 --> 00:03:30,096 - 37! - All right... 59 00:03:30,137 --> 00:03:32,571 - l'm actually starting to feel bad... - 37.50! 60 00:03:32,606 --> 00:03:37,168 Sold! To the moron that knows nothing about auctions for 37.50. 61 00:03:37,211 --> 00:03:41,045 - Now, how will you be paying? - These magic beans. 62 00:03:41,081 --> 00:03:49,045 So, that's 37.50 amortized over 500 years at 2999% ... 63 00:03:52,660 --> 00:03:54,628 per annum... 64 00:03:57,798 --> 00:04:00,699 Can you make a down payment, Early? 65 00:04:00,734 --> 00:04:04,693 Well... Well, l got these... 66 00:04:05,639 --> 00:04:08,631 That's no down payment. Technically, that's corn. 67 00:04:08,676 --> 00:04:11,338 The penalty for that is to add additional escrow... 68 00:04:11,378 --> 00:04:15,109 Flo-Jo, racer from the Olympics, you're not listening... 69 00:04:15,149 --> 00:04:16,844 and here we go. 70 00:04:16,884 --> 00:04:23,050 - Here is your monthly payment. - l ain't gotta pay that all at once, do l? 71 00:04:23,090 --> 00:04:27,993 No, that's why l wasted the necessary time to say the word ''monthly.'' 72 00:04:28,028 --> 00:04:30,258 Sounds good! Send me the bill now. 73 00:04:31,899 --> 00:04:35,335 So, you see, son, through Jesus' gift of financery... 74 00:04:35,369 --> 00:04:39,999 we gonna own this here land outright in half a millenniasm. 75 00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:43,532 How are we gonna pay $60 a month monthly? 76 00:04:43,577 --> 00:04:47,604 Months? Where the hell you get months? Hell, l paid that all at once, don't l? 77 00:04:47,648 --> 00:04:50,845 - l don't think that's it, Daddy. - How much? 78 00:04:50,884 --> 00:04:53,216 - You said $60. - 60?! God! 79 00:04:53,253 --> 00:04:56,780 We can't afford that! Son of a bitch! We need some damn money! 80 00:04:58,425 --> 00:04:59,949 Hey, darling. 81 00:04:59,994 --> 00:05:03,725 Let me have a carton of them high tar slims... 82 00:05:03,764 --> 00:05:09,168 this Trans-Am key chain, and all the Nasifeds you got back there. 83 00:05:09,937 --> 00:05:13,304 - The blister packs. - Must have quite a cold gotcha there, Lil... 84 00:05:13,340 --> 00:05:16,002 wanting all that Nasifed and all that. 85 00:05:16,043 --> 00:05:17,840 Got a tickle in my throat. 86 00:05:17,878 --> 00:05:21,314 You get that tickle in your throat about every two weeks, don't you? 87 00:05:21,348 --> 00:05:23,908 - What's your point? - Oh, nothing. lt's just... 88 00:05:23,951 --> 00:05:26,920 l've been told by the authorities l'm supposed to ask you... 89 00:05:26,954 --> 00:05:29,616 if you're planning to use these pharmasweaticals... 90 00:05:29,656 --> 00:05:33,057 in the production of illegal substances, you know? 91 00:05:33,093 --> 00:05:34,117 Druggery? 92 00:05:35,496 --> 00:05:40,229 Come on! Please! This is ridiculous! 93 00:05:40,267 --> 00:05:43,395 How's that crystal meth coming? 94 00:05:43,437 --> 00:05:46,565 - Real...good. - Hey, Daddy! 95 00:05:46,607 --> 00:05:49,007 You talking about crystal animetaphetamine? 96 00:05:49,043 --> 00:05:50,533 - Yeah. - Ain't that illegal? 97 00:05:50,577 --> 00:05:53,102 Look here, son. lt ain't like we're buying it. 98 00:05:53,147 --> 00:05:56,082 That's what's wrong. We just make it and sell it... 99 00:05:57,518 --> 00:05:59,383 - ...and take it. - OK. 100 00:05:59,420 --> 00:06:01,388 Look at this here. 101 00:06:01,422 --> 00:06:06,189 These here is the faces of meth. Now, look at this here average woman. 102 00:06:06,226 --> 00:06:08,660 - That's a woman, is it? - All right, below average. 103 00:06:08,695 --> 00:06:11,664 - Oh, dang. - And here is that same exact woman... 104 00:06:11,698 --> 00:06:13,893 - Oh, Lord. - ...after tangling with meth. 105 00:06:13,934 --> 00:06:19,065 - Meth sure does make you...boney. - Yep, boney. And easy. 106 00:06:19,106 --> 00:06:23,600 Look here of what that woman done for just a teeny little bitty taste of meth. 107 00:06:23,644 --> 00:06:26,044 - l can't! - See how she done degraded herself? 108 00:06:26,080 --> 00:06:28,605 - Too...too ugly. - With me? That's me right there. 109 00:06:28,649 --> 00:06:31,345 - ls that...? - And Uncle Travis. We was in Gatlinburg. 110 00:06:31,385 --> 00:06:34,286 We tore the hell out of that hotel room. We tore the sumbitch up. 111 00:06:34,321 --> 00:06:36,983 l ain't wanting to look at that right now. 112 00:06:37,024 --> 00:06:38,855 l prefer the skinny type, really. 113 00:06:38,892 --> 00:06:42,658 - Daddy, l think it's raining pee! - lt ain't raining pee. 114 00:06:42,696 --> 00:06:44,926 lt was raining pee. 115 00:06:44,965 --> 00:06:47,593 You see, the precipitation around hog lagoons... 116 00:06:47,634 --> 00:06:50,364 has an unusually high ammonia content... 117 00:06:50,404 --> 00:06:53,840 on account of the giant holes filled with hog pee. 118 00:06:53,874 --> 00:06:56,365 Hell, it ain't nothing but a thing. 119 00:06:56,410 --> 00:07:00,346 lt was definitely a thing. Sometimes gasses build up... 120 00:07:00,380 --> 00:07:03,907 under the plastic that lines the bottom of the hog pee lagoon... 121 00:07:03,951 --> 00:07:06,112 triggering a massive explosion. 122 00:07:08,555 --> 00:07:10,750 l ain't feeling so good about this. 123 00:07:10,791 --> 00:07:13,157 lf you can't take the pee, get out of the pee-ery. 124 00:07:13,193 --> 00:07:15,957 How's the hunting there, Showtime? You bag one yet? 125 00:07:15,996 --> 00:07:17,725 No, Early, l haven't. 126 00:07:17,764 --> 00:07:20,392 lt seems Lord's bounty is mighty thin out here. 127 00:07:20,434 --> 00:07:24,598 What you need to do is rent you one of these here beating sticks. $60 each. 128 00:07:24,638 --> 00:07:27,436 Early, there ain't no meat to beat out here! 129 00:07:27,474 --> 00:07:28,702 Wait a minute! Russell! 130 00:07:28,742 --> 00:07:31,267 You the personnel man. Where's them damn hogs at? 131 00:07:31,311 --> 00:07:33,871 Daddy, l think something's wrong with them hogs. 132 00:07:33,914 --> 00:07:37,748 They all skinny, paranoid, showing up late to be killed. 133 00:07:37,784 --> 00:07:40,719 - Your brochure lied! - Shut up! l see one! 134 00:07:41,755 --> 00:07:43,689 Snakeman, you a seein' that? 135 00:07:43,724 --> 00:07:46,488 He's a fatty. Go get you some! 136 00:07:48,695 --> 00:07:50,128 Help, Daddy! 137 00:07:52,299 --> 00:07:54,164 Snakeman! 138 00:07:54,201 --> 00:07:57,364 That damn hog's a runnin' off with my ride! 139 00:08:01,275 --> 00:08:02,708 Damn! Daddy! 140 00:08:02,743 --> 00:08:06,144 - We done been cleaned out! - Well, just what l thought. 141 00:08:06,180 --> 00:08:08,239 lt looks like the work of hogs. 142 00:08:08,282 --> 00:08:13,015 Man, the Dale Jr. poster is gone! And the matching bandana, too! 143 00:08:13,053 --> 00:08:16,545 Good thing they didn't get my '96 Atlanta Olympic barbeque pump. 144 00:08:17,758 --> 00:08:20,522 - There we go. - Early... 145 00:08:20,561 --> 00:08:24,657 you wouldn't be committing no insurance fraud there, would you now? 146 00:08:24,698 --> 00:08:27,496 lnsurance?! Hell, l ain't got no insurance. 147 00:08:27,534 --> 00:08:30,264 But l'm gonna sue the pants out of the 1996 Olympics... 148 00:08:30,304 --> 00:08:32,272 for burning my sumbitching house down. 149 00:08:32,306 --> 00:08:35,571 Bunch of sick, fire-toting freaks hanging medals around their necks. 150 00:08:35,609 --> 00:08:38,942 - Sheriff, what you doing up here? - Well, y'all ain't paid your loan. 151 00:08:38,979 --> 00:08:40,844 So, l'm here to seize your assets. 152 00:08:41,548 --> 00:08:44,676 Looks like somebody beat me to the Dale Jr. poster though. 153 00:08:44,718 --> 00:08:46,185 Rusty, get a picture of this. 154 00:08:48,589 --> 00:08:50,147 Y'all gonna have to excuse me. 155 00:08:50,190 --> 00:08:53,853 This here smoke's just playing hell with my sinuses and stuff. 156 00:08:55,729 --> 00:09:01,224 - You so tense. Oh, the tension! - Oh, that's so nice. Wait! 157 00:09:01,268 --> 00:09:05,170 You ain't entering me in another tough-man competition, are you? 158 00:09:05,205 --> 00:09:09,073 No, Granny. Hey, listen. You so stressed about everything. 159 00:09:09,109 --> 00:09:13,341 l mean, look at this stress knot right here in the middle of your back. 160 00:09:13,380 --> 00:09:14,904 There you go. That's a big 'un. 161 00:09:14,948 --> 00:09:19,612 And l'm expected to believe that this is an authentic mountain pork rind, Early? 162 00:09:19,653 --> 00:09:21,382 Taste of it. 163 00:09:24,157 --> 00:09:25,146 No. 164 00:09:25,192 --> 00:09:28,355 No, l don't think this is much of a business plan. 165 00:09:28,395 --> 00:09:31,091 Go on! Seize all the assets at once. 166 00:09:33,934 --> 00:09:37,370 - You want me to pick up this... - Yes. The skeleton! 167 00:09:37,404 --> 00:09:42,034 Well...OK. l'm the law. 168 00:09:43,443 --> 00:09:45,411 Somebody's cooking meth up here. 169 00:09:45,445 --> 00:09:49,438 Meth? What?! How dare you? This is a legitimate pork rindery. 170 00:09:49,483 --> 00:09:51,383 - Look. - Son of a bitch! 171 00:09:51,418 --> 00:09:52,783 See?! 172 00:09:54,087 --> 00:09:57,250 - That was a meth lab explosion. - What?! No, no. 173 00:09:57,291 --> 00:09:59,486 That's just a hog latrine going off. 174 00:09:59,526 --> 00:10:03,485 Actually, that was a meth lab explosion. 175 00:10:03,530 --> 00:10:07,523 Didn't mean to interrupt, l just wanted to... That was a meth lab. 176 00:10:09,269 --> 00:10:10,463 Oh, Lord. 177 00:10:11,271 --> 00:10:13,967 - But this hog's strung out on drugs. - How...? 178 00:10:14,007 --> 00:10:16,271 - Call 911. - Hell, that hog can't be on drugs. 179 00:10:16,310 --> 00:10:18,437 - One, two, three. - How could a hog... 180 00:10:18,478 --> 00:10:23,108 what ain't got no money, pay money for damn drugs?! Lil? 181 00:10:23,150 --> 00:10:26,608 - The first taste is always free. - One, two, three. 182 00:10:26,653 --> 00:10:29,645 There's no damn pulse. One, two, three. 183 00:10:31,425 --> 00:10:33,188 One, two, three. 184 00:10:34,828 --> 00:10:37,194 Come on, you fat bastard! Live! 185 00:10:37,230 --> 00:10:38,993 One, two, three. 186 00:10:46,139 --> 00:10:47,800 l'm afraid l did all l could. 187 00:10:48,842 --> 00:10:50,104 This hog... 188 00:10:51,144 --> 00:10:53,135 is dead. 189 00:10:58,085 --> 00:10:59,985 ls your hog on drugs? 190 00:11:00,020 --> 00:11:03,387 How would you know? How could you tell? 191 00:11:03,423 --> 00:11:06,017 Look for these here warning signs. 192 00:11:06,326 --> 00:11:07,691 Sudden weight loss... 193 00:11:08,729 --> 00:11:10,993 euphoria leading to paranoia... 194 00:11:12,032 --> 00:11:14,091 stealatization of your things... 195 00:11:14,668 --> 00:11:18,195 and jibbery style oinkery what make no sense at all. 196 00:11:18,238 --> 00:11:21,207 Warn your hogs about the dangers of meth... 197 00:11:21,241 --> 00:11:23,505 before it's too damn late. 198 00:11:23,543 --> 00:11:28,480 l'm Early Cuyler, and that concludes my court-ordered community service. 199 00:11:28,982 --> 00:11:32,110 Don't it? Come on, Randy. Let me the f-- out! 200 00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:32,999 Subtitles by BloodLogic